i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
