it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
