Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
