I need help removing her.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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