I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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