i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
