so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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