There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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