I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
