theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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