please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
