I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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