Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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