im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
