I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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