i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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