i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
