I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
