you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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