Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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