I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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