Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
