I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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