I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
