the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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