hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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