just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
