tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
