It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
