I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You left your phone here
Wait...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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