I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
