i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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