Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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