btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
