I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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