just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
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How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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