Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Randomize
