Already got asked if we're dating
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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