If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
