My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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