I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
