I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
