mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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