my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
