remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
