saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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