So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize