This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
