Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
