So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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