long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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