Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
