Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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