he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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