i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
