Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
