wrigley field is MILF paradise
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
