Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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