I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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