the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
