it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
